Posts Tagged ‘Humorous’

Rules for Facebook

Posted: June 9, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Just for fun, I thought I’d share this compiled list of Facebook rules I’ve come up with. Enjoy!

In no particular order:

Facebook Rule #1: If you are a girl, you are required to put a ♥ before and/or after any meaningful status update (e.g., “Life is amazing ♥ “, or “♥ ♥ ♥ I’m off with my bff to take a hundred mirror shots where we’ll make the same face for at least 90 of them! ♥ ♥ ♥ “)

Facebook Rule #2: If you are a girl, you are required to openly express your undying affection for your female friends. Acceptable terms and phrases include but are not limited to “Love you girlie!,” “I MISS YOUR FACE!,” or the timeless brief letter:

“Dear Cutie,

I miss you so much!

Love, Your Admirer

P.S. You’re beautiful!”

Corollary: If you are a male, rules #1 and #2 must not be followed. Ever.

Facebook Rule #3: When using song lyrics or quotes as your Facebook status, choose the most ambiguous songs or movies possible, causing your friends to try to piece together the random mess of words. This rule is most effective when using depressing lyrics without quotations marks, leading your loved ones to believe you are morbidly depressed when, in fact, you are hopelessly confused.

Facebook Rule #4: Every once in a while it is a good idea to ask melancholy or even abysmally depressing rhetorical questions. The more you leave the reader wondering whether it is appropriate to respond, the better. Examples include, “What is life without color?” or “How is everything I know becoming a black hole of emptiness and despair?”

Facebook Rule #5: When Facebooking into the wee hours of the night, be sure to post updates about how tired and/or bored you are. These updates prove to be incredibly informative for those who are unaware that 3 a.m. provides as much fun as a coal mine and and that sleep deprivation causes weariness. Generally, one or two drawn out word(s) will suffice (e.g., “tiiiiiirrrrreddddd….” or “sooooooo booooooorrrrreddd”).

Facebook Rule #6: While following rule #5, become a fan of any and every page that seems even remotely amusing at 2 o’clock in the morning. By treating your friends’ news feeds as if it’s Hiroshima in 1945, you guarantee yourself an immediate shunning. Next time you wonder why nobody is commenting on anything you post, realize it is because they’ve long ago hidden your updates after seeing you became a fan of “Can this pickle get more fans than Justin Bieber?” and 273 other profiles.

Facebook Rule #7: If fanning ridiculous pages or anonymously comparing your friends no longer satiates your Facebook cravings, try filling out surveys of 777 completely random questions ranging from “What color are the walls in the room you’re in?” to “Do you like eating with chopsticks on nights with a full moon?” This will cause your friends to get 1/4 of the way through and think “I love ya and all, but seriously? Seriously.”

Facebook Rule #8: When uploading pictures from a social event or gathering, do not bother trying to discern which pictures are actually ready for the internet. Got 7 pictures in a row of cousin Margaret talking to Aunt Mildred? Upload (Don’t forget to tag cousin Margaret in each one!). Got some pics that are blurry and dark? Upload. Just go crazy!

Facebook Rule #9: While spending numerous hours on Facebook updating your status every 10 seconds, be sure you list (and complain about) everything you are NOT getting done in order to reach level 46 of FarmVille. For example: “I should probably be cleaning the house or developing some piece of my humanity to make my existence profitable for mankind, but I’ve got a crop of Artichokes coming in at 2:47”.

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After much thorough research in the linguistically miry world of Facebook, I’ve compiled a simple guide to butchering the English language. Sure, English has been an effective tool for hundreds of years now, but what fun is it when used properly? Follow this guide to drive your friends and family crazy:

1. Whatever you do, never capitalize anything. Beginnings of sentences? Forget it. Proper nouns (i.e., names of places or people)? Nah. Titles of movies or other works? Whoa, there. Let’s chill on the nonsense-talk.

For example: “did you hear ms smith is training at a culinary school in chicago illinois so she can butcher languages better? it’s true.”

2. Be sure to omit any and all punctuation. Forgoing these syntactical marks is an easy way for even the most novice butchers to irritate their loved ones. Leave out apostrophes and commas at all costs. To make even these caustic omissions look like child’s play, simply exclude periods altogether.

Let’s practice by combining rules #1 and #2. Example: “i cant believe youre actually using stupid punctuation in the middle of your words it just takes too much time and gets in the way of what you want to say”

By way of corollary to rule #2, consider adding inappropriate punctuation wherever possible. Add a string of exclamation points to the end of entirely unexciting sentences (e.g., “im going to the dentist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”). Also, use apostrophes sporadically and haphazardly, so as not to create a decipherable pattern to your decision making process (as in, “I never know when he use’s apostrophe’s and when he doesnt use them”).

3. To sharpen your metaphorical butcher knives, practice misusing homophones. Mix up to and too as often as you like. Juggle ‘there’, ‘their’, and ‘they’re’ around, as well. For good measure, switch up “then/than,” “effect/affect,” “know/no,” “accept/except,” and “our/are.”

Example: “hey their!!!! did you no are friend’s bill and mary are getting married???? its going to effect them alot. things are going to be a lot different then they were back than”

(Side note: even if you were to spell ‘than’ in “different than” correctly, you would still have a problem. Correctly written, it should be “different from”).

I could extend this guide, but if you can master these 3 simple rules you’ll soon find you’ve become an expert butcher. In no time, you’ll be on your way to splicing commas and intentionally causing your subjects and verbs to disagree. Have fun!

UPDATE: I forgot an important rule.

4. Abbreviate words that don’t need to be abbreviated (preferably using numbers instead of actual English letters). If you are texting, these abbreviations are understood to be useful and efficient. Use them when updating your Facebook status or commenting on a post, however, and you will be able to sense other people thinking “Does it really save any time to reach all the way up to type a number instead of typing two simple letters?” Sloppiness for the win! If you’re feeling extra ambitious, however, you can go the other direction and add letters to everything you say. Emphasizing words by sounding like you took a verbal muscle relaxer is always a plus!

Example: “where r we goin 2 go 2nite 4 dinner?”
or, “heyyy, I’m reeeaaaalllyyyy excited about thisssss…i caaaan’t waaaaiiiitttttt til I actuallllly reeeeeach the end of my senntenceeeeee!”