Little Drummer Boy’s Navity Catastrophe

Posted: December 8, 2010 in Uncategorized

So, I was listening to the song “Little Drummer Boy” on the radio the other day, and the scenario of LDB at the nativity began to play out in my mind. Here’s how I think it would have gone.

Mary: “Joseph, do you hear that? What is with that obnoxious “rum pum pum pum” sound? It’s 2:00 in the morning!”

Joseph: “I’m sorry, Dear, I’ll see if I can go talk to him”

Mary: “Forgive me if I’m pretty dang exhausted from delivering the Savior of the world and just want a little sleep! He’s going to wake up the baby!”

Little Drummer Boy: “Hey, how’s it going, guys? I heard you folks had a special little babe tonight, and I’m running a little tight on cash from all the drum gear, sooo…I thought instead of a real gift, I’d just bust out a little snare magic. It’ll be like a percussional gift to your ears from Yours Truly. Now, I know you’re probably wondering why I came here in the middle of the night when you’re completely worn out and still recovering, but I thought, ‘You know what? Mary can catch up on sleep any time, but this drum deal, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience.'” So yeah, without any further introduction…”

Joseph: “Little Drummer Boy, thanks for the thought but we’d really rather…”

Little Drummer Boy: “Click me off, ox and lamb!”

Lamb: “Sorry, man, I don’t have any rhythm! Maybe the ox can help you out.”

Ox: “Yeah, are you forgetting he’s a white sheep? But, uh, yeah, I would love to, but I got some…treading…to do.”

Little Drummer Boy: “Really? You guys speak human but you can’t keep a tempo? Great. Oh well, here goes, anyway…”

RUM PUM PUM PUM
RUM PUM PUM PUM
RUM PUM PUM PUM

Joseph: “Hey, that’s cool that you can say “rum pum pum pum” over and over again. I mean, I can do that, too. But why don’t you get on with the actual drumming?”

Little Drummer Boy: “I’m getting there, Joe, hold your horses. Get it, your horses? Because we’re in a stable? Oh man, I wish I had a cymbal so I could do that ‘ba dum, chh’ thing right now. Ok, here we go.”

*Little Drummer Boy solos on the drum, waking up baby and causing a ruckus in the stable*

*Enter Wise Men*

Wise Man 1: “Hey, what’s all the commotion in here? We were following the star here since Mr. “Wiseman” 2 over here lost the Mapquest directions. If it weren’t from Drummer Boy here, we might not have found you guys. Thanks!”

Wise Man 2: “C’mon, man, you know that’s not fair. It’s freezing out there, so my hands were going numb, and you stuck me with carrying the block of gold the whole way here. Meanwhile it’s blowing like 100 miles an hour out there. And now I just stepped horse poop. Wonderful. I don’t even want to hear about the map right now!”

Joseph: “Alright guys, just calm down. We weren’t really expecting company tonight. Apparently this no-name barn had a neon arrow pointing down to it from the sky and now everyone and their sister thinks it’s cool to come chill at the cramped craphouse. But let’s not worry about all that right now, come on in.

Wise Man 3: “We were thinking it would be fun if, instead of the whole gift giving thing, we did like a White Elephant type of exchange. See, I saw this stuff at the market called Myrrh the other day, and I thought, “Who in the world would use that?” And then I thought, “You know what would be hilarious? If Wise Man 1 brings gold, I’ll take this junk and see who draws the low number! Wise Man 2 kind of copied me with the whole Frankincense thing. He thought it sounded like Frankenstein and we were doing the whole Frankenstein/Igor scene at the market until we realized everyone was staring. That being said, sorry for all the gag gifts, but maybe if you get lucky you’ll get to go last and keep the gold. It’ll be like in The Office when Michael brings a brand new iPod. Hopefully nobody gets ticked off.”

Wise Man 2: “Way to make cultural references two millennia ahead of your time. I don’t think they picked up on those, but don’t worry, I’m trackin’ with ya.”

Wise Man 1: “Seriously, guys? I put out like 3 months salary for this gold, and you guys picked up your ‘hilarious’ gifts at the dollar store? I’m telling Herod about this when we get back”

Joseph: “Can we just let this be a Silent Night?”

RUM PUM PUM PUM

Mary: “BE QUIET!”

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