Rules for Facebook

Posted: June 9, 2010 in Uncategorized
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Just for fun, I thought I’d share this compiled list of Facebook rules I’ve come up with. Enjoy!

In no particular order:

Facebook Rule #1: If you are a girl, you are required to put a ♥ before and/or after any meaningful status update (e.g., “Life is amazing ♥ “, or “♥ ♥ ♥ I’m off with my bff to take a hundred mirror shots where we’ll make the same face for at least 90 of them! ♥ ♥ ♥ “)

Facebook Rule #2: If you are a girl, you are required to openly express your undying affection for your female friends. Acceptable terms and phrases include but are not limited to “Love you girlie!,” “I MISS YOUR FACE!,” or the timeless brief letter:

“Dear Cutie,

I miss you so much!

Love, Your Admirer

P.S. You’re beautiful!”

Corollary: If you are a male, rules #1 and #2 must not be followed. Ever.

Facebook Rule #3: When using song lyrics or quotes as your Facebook status, choose the most ambiguous songs or movies possible, causing your friends to try to piece together the random mess of words. This rule is most effective when using depressing lyrics without quotations marks, leading your loved ones to believe you are morbidly depressed when, in fact, you are hopelessly confused.

Facebook Rule #4: Every once in a while it is a good idea to ask melancholy or even abysmally depressing rhetorical questions. The more you leave the reader wondering whether it is appropriate to respond, the better. Examples include, “What is life without color?” or “How is everything I know becoming a black hole of emptiness and despair?”

Facebook Rule #5: When Facebooking into the wee hours of the night, be sure to post updates about how tired and/or bored you are. These updates prove to be incredibly informative for those who are unaware that 3 a.m. provides as much fun as a coal mine and and that sleep deprivation causes weariness. Generally, one or two drawn out word(s) will suffice (e.g., “tiiiiiirrrrreddddd….” or “sooooooo booooooorrrrreddd”).

Facebook Rule #6: While following rule #5, become a fan of any and every page that seems even remotely amusing at 2 o’clock in the morning. By treating your friends’ news feeds as if it’s Hiroshima in 1945, you guarantee yourself an immediate shunning. Next time you wonder why nobody is commenting on anything you post, realize it is because they’ve long ago hidden your updates after seeing you became a fan of “Can this pickle get more fans than Justin Bieber?” and 273 other profiles.

Facebook Rule #7: If fanning ridiculous pages or anonymously comparing your friends no longer satiates your Facebook cravings, try filling out surveys of 777 completely random questions ranging from “What color are the walls in the room you’re in?” to “Do you like eating with chopsticks on nights with a full moon?” This will cause your friends to get 1/4 of the way through and think “I love ya and all, but seriously? Seriously.”

Facebook Rule #8: When uploading pictures from a social event or gathering, do not bother trying to discern which pictures are actually ready for the internet. Got 7 pictures in a row of cousin Margaret talking to Aunt Mildred? Upload (Don’t forget to tag cousin Margaret in each one!). Got some pics that are blurry and dark? Upload. Just go crazy!

Facebook Rule #9: While spending numerous hours on Facebook updating your status every 10 seconds, be sure you list (and complain about) everything you are NOT getting done in order to reach level 46 of FarmVille. For example: “I should probably be cleaning the house or developing some piece of my humanity to make my existence profitable for mankind, but I’ve got a crop of Artichokes coming in at 2:47”.

  1. Laurie says:

    How helpful!
    I always sensed there were rules, but until now didn’t know what they were. Thanks!

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