is their no hope 4 da english language?

Posted: February 14, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

After much thorough research in the linguistically miry world of Facebook, I’ve compiled a simple guide to butchering the English language. Sure, English has been an effective tool for hundreds of years now, but what fun is it when used properly? Follow this guide to drive your friends and family crazy:

1. Whatever you do, never capitalize anything. Beginnings of sentences? Forget it. Proper nouns (i.e., names of places or people)? Nah. Titles of movies or other works? Whoa, there. Let’s chill on the nonsense-talk.

For example: “did you hear ms smith is training at a culinary school in chicago illinois so she can butcher languages better? it’s true.”

2. Be sure to omit any and all punctuation. Forgoing these syntactical marks is an easy way for even the most novice butchers to irritate their loved ones. Leave out apostrophes and commas at all costs. To make even these caustic omissions look like child’s play, simply exclude periods altogether.

Let’s practice by combining rules #1 and #2. Example: “i cant believe youre actually using stupid punctuation in the middle of your words it just takes too much time and gets in the way of what you want to say”

By way of corollary to rule #2, consider adding inappropriate punctuation wherever possible. Add a string of exclamation points to the end of entirely unexciting sentences (e.g., “im going to the dentist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”). Also, use apostrophes sporadically and haphazardly, so as not to create a decipherable pattern to your decision making process (as in, “I never know when he use’s apostrophe’s and when he doesnt use them”).

3. To sharpen your metaphorical butcher knives, practice misusing homophones. Mix up to and too as often as you like. Juggle ‘there’, ‘their’, and ‘they’re’ around, as well. For good measure, switch up “then/than,” “effect/affect,” “know/no,” “accept/except,” and “our/are.”

Example: “hey their!!!! did you no are friend’s bill and mary are getting married???? its going to effect them alot. things are going to be a lot different then they were back than”

(Side note: even if you were to spell ‘than’ in “different than” correctly, you would still have a problem. Correctly written, it should be “different from”).

I could extend this guide, but if you can master these 3 simple rules you’ll soon find you’ve become an expert butcher. In no time, you’ll be on your way to splicing commas and intentionally causing your subjects and verbs to disagree. Have fun!

UPDATE: I forgot an important rule.

4. Abbreviate words that don’t need to be abbreviated (preferably using numbers instead of actual English letters). If you are texting, these abbreviations are understood to be useful and efficient. Use them when updating your Facebook status or commenting on a post, however, and you will be able to sense other people thinking “Does it really save any time to reach all the way up to type a number instead of typing two simple letters?” Sloppiness for the win! If you’re feeling extra ambitious, however, you can go the other direction and add letters to everything you say. Emphasizing words by sounding like you took a verbal muscle relaxer is always a plus!

Example: “where r we goin 2 go 2nite 4 dinner?”
or, “heyyy, I’m reeeaaaalllyyyy excited about thisssss…i caaaan’t waaaaiiiitttttt til I actuallllly reeeeeach the end of my senntenceeeeee!”

  1. Elizabeth says:

    I think I butcher enough, thank you very much. Perhaps it’s because I don’t care about the English language. Perhaps it’s because when you’re talking to several people at once, you don’t seem to have time. But look! I’m finding time now. Time to butcher the English language. Time to write fragmented sentences (not to mention run-on sentences) in which we leave out proper punctuation because, frankly, we don’t see the use. Perhaps poetry has ruined my proper usage of the English language.

    PS: number 3 irks me to no end. PLEASE say “their” or “they’re” instead of ”
    “there”. /end rant

  2. Mom says:

    stephen you crack me up so glad you got something out of homeschool grammar class your so funny its better than rose’s reading this on valentines day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Michelle says:

    I hate it when people misuse homophones. Every their has its day.

  4. Stephen says:

    Yes, I have to say, homophone misuse is the worst of these, in my opinion. Using “to” instead of “too” is the absolute worst!

  5. Stephen says:

    I will say, it doesn’t bother me too much when people don’t use completely correct grammar in IM or texting conversations. Efficiency is the name of the game in those cases (to a certain extent, at least). Fragmented sentences don’t bother me much, either, because we use them all the time in conversational/casual settings. Again, however, homophone mismatches are never necessary for efficiency :).

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