Archive for February, 2010

After much thorough research in the linguistically miry world of Facebook, I’ve compiled a simple guide to butchering the English language. Sure, English has been an effective tool for hundreds of years now, but what fun is it when used properly? Follow this guide to drive your friends and family crazy:

1. Whatever you do, never capitalize anything. Beginnings of sentences? Forget it. Proper nouns (i.e., names of places or people)? Nah. Titles of movies or other works? Whoa, there. Let’s chill on the nonsense-talk.

For example: “did you hear ms smith is training at a culinary school in chicago illinois so she can butcher languages better? it’s true.”

2. Be sure to omit any and all punctuation. Forgoing these syntactical marks is an easy way for even the most novice butchers to irritate their loved ones. Leave out apostrophes and commas at all costs. To make even these caustic omissions look like child’s play, simply exclude periods altogether.

Let’s practice by combining rules #1 and #2. Example: “i cant believe youre actually using stupid punctuation in the middle of your words it just takes too much time and gets in the way of what you want to say”

By way of corollary to rule #2, consider adding inappropriate punctuation wherever possible. Add a string of exclamation points to the end of entirely unexciting sentences (e.g., “im going to the dentist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”). Also, use apostrophes sporadically and haphazardly, so as not to create a decipherable pattern to your decision making process (as in, “I never know when he use’s apostrophe’s and when he doesnt use them”).

3. To sharpen your metaphorical butcher knives, practice misusing homophones. Mix up to and too as often as you like. Juggle ‘there’, ‘their’, and ‘they’re’ around, as well. For good measure, switch up “then/than,” “effect/affect,” “know/no,” “accept/except,” and “our/are.”

Example: “hey their!!!! did you no are friend’s bill and mary are getting married???? its going to effect them alot. things are going to be a lot different then they were back than”

(Side note: even if you were to spell ‘than’ in “different than” correctly, you would still have a problem. Correctly written, it should be “different from”).

I could extend this guide, but if you can master these 3 simple rules you’ll soon find you’ve become an expert butcher. In no time, you’ll be on your way to splicing commas and intentionally causing your subjects and verbs to disagree. Have fun!

UPDATE: I forgot an important rule.

4. Abbreviate words that don’t need to be abbreviated (preferably using numbers instead of actual English letters). If you are texting, these abbreviations are understood to be useful and efficient. Use them when updating your Facebook status or commenting on a post, however, and you will be able to sense other people thinking “Does it really save any time to reach all the way up to type a number instead of typing two simple letters?” Sloppiness for the win! If you’re feeling extra ambitious, however, you can go the other direction and add letters to everything you say. Emphasizing words by sounding like you took a verbal muscle relaxer is always a plus!

Example: “where r we goin 2 go 2nite 4 dinner?”
or, “heyyy, I’m reeeaaaalllyyyy excited about thisssss…i caaaan’t waaaaiiiitttttt til I actuallllly reeeeeach the end of my senntenceeeeee!”


Vanity of Vanities

Posted: February 8, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything but prose. And I don’t normally like to write anything that seems depressing. But I think it’s only part of the Christian experience to face drudgery and melancholy at times in order to fight for the joys and happiness that await.

I yearn to feel some sense of excitement.
Life passes like a businessman on the sidewalk
Brushing others’ concerns aside
Why? Why the mundane?
Every day feels frivolous.
Education, obligations, entertainment, all a detestation
I go to school, I come home
to work, then home
Tick, tock, tick, tock
Time is butter churned; laborious and uneventful
Producing only thick nothingness, a fat void.
Friendships come, friendships go
The relational pendulum swinging to and fro
Vanity of vanities, a vapor in the wind.
Promises of a successful career with much labor
To what avail?
To drudge through the mire of materialism,
Drowning in affluence and choking on excess?
To follow in the footsteps of millions of lost souls
chasing the apparition of attainment?
What can be done that has not been done?
Even if I dominate in some field of study,
create some magnum opus or embody fame,
Will I have reached any platform untouched by predecessors?
Or only become another grain of sand washed to the shore of disillusionment?
So even in my routine, my moderate life
I tread in the same shallow waters as earthly kings and princes
in comparison to true glory, eternal glory.
But in His image, I also cannot content myself with dull mediocrity.
With wasted gifting and a shallow life.
I will content myself with temporal boredom
if for the recompense of happy, quiet servitude.
“Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.”